Life Is Just A Chocobo Army
by vincent-taco
Summary: A funny little war spoof. The tables have been turned as our elderly hero Vincent & our elderly villian Sephiroth are abducted one day by chocobos while playing chess. What is going on they ask, & the chocobos say... WARK! Read, for it shall be funny!
1. Chapter 1

OKAY NOW! I don't own FF7!!! -DEATHGLARE TO ALL WHO TRY TO SUE- This is a story... so humor me as I have humored you... REVIEW!!! (please.) That is all... go on, read. it's rated teen for a reason... no sex! this is a war fic here!! (well, more of a war spoof... lol)

Story time!!!

It was a nice quiet afternoon. The leaves were yellow, brown and red and the breeze was gently blowing them about in the nicest of manners. Vincent yawned lazily as he waited for the silver haired general in front of him to make his next move. He leaned his head casually on the palm of his clawed hand and sighed.

"Come on Seph, make your move, it's not that hard. If you want, I'll show you—

He was cut off by a gloved hand rising to stop mere inches from his face and his ears picked up a faint growl.

"Oh hush you," the general said, indicating to his stomach, "And I can do this on my own thank you very much mister 'I don't give a moogle's ass about strategy'." He mumbled to himself for a few more seconds and finally his eyes lit up in malicious evilness. He moved his hand slowly and clutched the bishop delicately between his shaking thumb and forefinger.

"Check!"

Vincent sighed and shook his head sadly, the arthritis in his neck screeching softly at him in protest. He moved his piece, taking Sephiroth's bishop and adding it to the small collection of white pawns and such that he had won so far.

"Hey! You can't do that! The king can only move one spot at a time! You moved two!"

"That wasn't my king. You got the king and queen mixed up again old man." He paused a moment before leaning back some and adding, "Some general you are…."

Sephiroth growled in muted rage.

"Old man? Why I— look who's calling the kettle black here! You're old enough to be my father!!!"

Vincent chuckled.

"You know, we never did find out if I was your father or not… you do know, Hojo was pretty old at the time you were conceived…." At this, Sephiroth glowered.

"A man can still produce viable sperm till the day he dies." This made the now salt and pepper haired gunman laugh outright.

"True, that is if he is healthy enough to get it up and has someone willing to sleep with him, if he even has the urge…."

There was a silence as both took time to further ponder on the topic.

"WARK!!!!" Both turned to look about.

"Hunh?!"

Suddenly out of nowhere, if that could be physically possible, a flock of large, brightly hued feathered fowl appeared, pecking and scratching, biting and beating on the two warriors with a mighty fury. Shrieks and warks could be heard, but nothing was too substantial to see who was winning the brawl, not that there was anyone to witness it. It is often said to be unwise to play chess in an empty park, for one might risk getting beaten by a ravaging group of adolescent chocobos.

Vincent awoke with a terrible pain in the front of his head and ringing in his ears. He groaned and tried to roll over but found that his arms and legs were bound. He opened his eyes to find himself in a dimly lit room and was quick to notice the lush rugs and fancy wall hangings. There was a set of tall book shelves and some creeping spider plants sitting on a little table in between them, a singular lamp providing its brilliant, shining light for the entire room, it was just that those damn spider plants were soaking it all up. They really were greedy little buggers. It was all so very strange, but he decided to ignore it. Instead, he looked over his shoulder to find just the bare outline of Sephiroth's prone figure.

"Seph? You alive over there?" he whispered. No answer. He nudged the swordsman with his bound feet.

"Nmnnm!"

Vincent hissed and whispered to him, giving the man now a good kick in the leg.

"Hush. Now where are we?"

"Mnnnnn. Mnnnmmm."

Vincent frowned. If only he could get himself turned about….

"Seph, what's the problem. Speak normally for Gaia's sake."

"MMMMMPH!"

not much of a cliff hanger there but it sounds kind of funny. lol. I'll get the next one up if you people review!!!


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, i've received some good reviews for this and they all want more! So here is chapter two! I know it's short but it's all i can do at lunch time!

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Meanwhile, in a room somewhere on the other side of the underground complex, in a very well decorated meeting room with cozy looking gold lamps and big, light creamy green overstuffed beanbag chairs, six multifaceted looking chocobos sat discussing their two new prisoners and all the fun and interesting ideas of what was to be their fate. The leader was quite a fascinating and interesting mix of light sky blue and vibrant maroon feathers and sported a sharp beak of similar, but darker coloration. He spoke confidently in a gruff accent and moved his large head around a lot as he spoke, his thick accent, causing him to miss pronounce some of his words, but for our sakes, we'll just stick with proper English.

"Well, now that Luxemburg, Denmark and Portugal have captured two human citizens, what should we do with them? It would seem that Generals Clemenceau and Wilhelm didn't think too far ahead when devising the war plans, else I would have a clearer reason as to why we have these two humans in the first place." The two generals which he spoke of, Clemenceau, a mottled dark and light green blob of wild feathers, and Wilhelm, a slightly smaller bird of a dusty looking blue, silently shivered on their beanbags as he turned his head to the side to glare at them with his large black eye.

"Sir, one of the prisoners is waking." A young brown chocobo walked into the pleasantly lit chamber, creamy down feathers still peaking out of darker adult feathers making him look like a befuddled condor. A brief stillness arose in the room and walked out as if it were tired of being there. After seemingly observing this, the leader who's name was Hattendorff, cleared his beak and stood in a regal manner.

"Well then, I believe it's time we go make our prisoners feel a bit more welcome, don't you Fredriek?" The tiny, onyx hued bird rose and fallowed silently behind his leader. All the other birds sat and watched in muted awe and cautious horror. Fredriek was head of the department for cruelty to humans or CTH. Any human, any living creature at all, whom found themselves in the miniscule devil's company for very long would most definitely start wishing that they were not so living. Fredriek was a fate worse than death.


End file.
